I have heard the saying, time heals all wounds, and it may be true for some wounds, but how can you heal from the death of someone dear?
Time does help. Time makes it not hurt as much or think about them every minute, but “heal”, I am not so sure.
This was our last Thanksgiving prayer with her, just 2 weeks before she went to her Heavenly home with Jesus. Five years ago, today.
Still to this day, I am taken back when I least expect it, when I spot something that reminds me of her.
I was in Walmart the other day, and stopped to stare at an older lady from the back. She had short white hair like Mother did, was about the same size as Mother. I just stood there for a minute imagining when she turned around, she would look like her. Of course when she did turn around, my mind went right back to reality as I was looking at this stranger.
One day I was meeting Anne for lunch, and as I got out of my car, there was the sweetest little lady with white hair parking her car beside me. She got out and opened the trunk to pull out the wheel chair then went to the side to help her husband out, and roll him in. I got to the door first and opened it for her as we exchanged smiles. They sat close to us and we couldn`t help but stare a bit. She didn`t look like Mother but we finally figured it out. It was her smile. She had the sweetest face and prettiest smile. She smiled when people walked by. She smiled as she talked to her husband, and she smiled when the waitress went to their table. She had mother`s beautiful smile. As we watched from afar, the interaction between the two of them, it reminded us of how Mother cared for Papa all of those years when he could no longer care for himself. We even tried to surprise them with a dessert, telling our waitress to add one on our ticket for them. When they finished their lunch and got the dessert, she looked our way and there it was again, a little wave and that sweet smile.We enjoyed talking with her as we were leaving, and I thought later, what a sweet gift that was from God that day.
When I spot an older lady and her daughter out shopping or out to lunch, I always smile and stop to remember. She is gone but she is still around me. Does that make sense?
Life happens, yes, time makes memories sweeter, but heals? I am not so sure about that.
My heart still aches when I want to tell her something or when I want to pick up the phone to see what she has planned for the day. I still think of how much fun she would have with the grandchildren and great grandchildren, weddings she missed, births she missed because while we had her, she loved BIG… and was a big part of our lives.
So on the night of the 5th anniversary of her death, my heart is not “healed”, just mended a bit. I don`t dwell on the journey but it is always close. It has made me who I am today, that journey with her. Tears don`t come near as often, but they do still come in the quiet. I feel like if they don`t come, if I don`t think about her, then she will be really gone. I don`t want to forget. I don`t want to forget her voice when she answered the phone or when she would say, “I love you too”. I don`t want to forget her laugh, or smile.
Remembering that Monday afternoon, as we watched her leave us , but oh so thankful God gave me to her and Daddy all those years ago.
Happy Heavenly Birthday, sweet Gaga…I love you forever, I love you for always….